Christmas Special Part One

Hello, my precious readers.  Wrote this up today for fun - part one of the Christmas special =)  hope you guys like it.

It was mid-December, where half the world was decorated with lights and trees and other festive symbols.  It was a time of great stress for many – the need to go out and drive one’s self crazy buying gifts for others while still making sure they can pay the bills, while still making sure they don’t kill extended family members who they’ve been dreading to see again.

                Despite this, it was also a more joyful time of year, where most people were just a teeny bit nicer than during any other time of year.  Yes, they were still awful to each other, but the ‘teeny bit’ was just enough to make a difference most of the time.  People love giving almost as much as they love receiving, and so it was with a warm heart that they handed a wrapped package over to a friend or family member, waiting to see the expression on their face once they saw what the gift was.

                Yes, aside from the stress it wasn’t such a bad time of year, especially if you also ignored the corporations that manipulated the masses into buying their products under the guise of helping them find something one of their dear ones really wants.  But who wants to care about all of that?  In the end, it’s the thought that counts, right?

                This was a special time of year for Sem and Sorena as well.  This was the time of year where Sem lost himself to all reason for the mere sake of beating his neighbors to a nasty pulp in the annual contest that took place in their community that judged which house was the best decorated.  Yes, he was simply filled with the spirit of the holidays.

                “What about these lights…” Sem murmured to himself, holding a package of multicolor outdoor lights.

                “I thought you had decided on white lights,” Sorena said dryly.  The middle-aged-looking woman stood in the aisle with Sem, staring into empty space, hands clasped together just below her chest, covered by long black sleeves.  She was incredibly bored.  Sem had been participating in the contest ever since they had moved into their current home, which was about ten years ago.  He had won every single year, save for the last.  A new neighbor snatched the top prize from under his nose, forcing him to settle for second place.

               

                “Hey, it’s me again,” he said when he and Sorena had gone over to her house after the contest had ended.  “I just wanted to say congratulations.  You have a beautiful home.”  Sem had a plate of gingerbread cookies with him.  His smile was warm and his eyes seemed genuine, but Sorena knew Sem was trying very hard not to suddenly burst every single pipe, faucet, toilet, and showerhead in the woman’s house.

                “Aw, thanks so much!” she had replied.  The woman was a professional football player’s wife and her voice was a bit shrill.  She had way too much makeup on.  “Better luck next year, right?” she added with a bit of sneer.  She was also stuck-up.

                At that there was a loud pop from somewhere within the home and her children ran across the hall screaming.  The sound of a lot of water pouring out onto the home’s very nice hardwood floors could be easily heard from the front door.

                The woman stifled a scream and ran to her kitchen, splashing through an inch of water that was running out into the hallway.  Sem casually stepped into the house and set the plate of cookies near the doorway.  On the plates there was a little card which read “Happy Holidays”.  The cookies were perfectly round and had smiley faces on them.  And then he and Sorena left, Sem having a wicked smile on his face.

                Sem wasn’t planning to lose this year, especially not to that woman who had somehow won with the most gaudy and awful decorations.  There was no coordination. There was no tact.

                “Yes, white lights,” Sem muttered, setting the package of multicolored lights down.  “I could do colored ones, though!” he expressed, turning around to face Sorena who was still staring into nothingness.  “I’d have to make a few adjustments to the overall plan, but I could!”

                Yes, there was a plan.  It was drawn out too.

                Sem unrolled a large white parchment that he had held between his arm and torso.  He studied it with his cerulean eyes, instantly picking out what would need to be changed if the lights for the house were suddenly multicolored.  If he weren’t so indecisive Sorena wouldn’t care so much, but he was always changing his mind and making adjustments to his overall grand scheme of things.

                “Can I help you?” asked a store employee very tentatively, casting multiple glances at the middle-aged-looking woman who was dressed in all black and looked like a witch.  Her expression said that she wasn’t being paid enough to work at a store visited by lunatics.

                “I’m fine, thank you,” Sem replied politely, looking away from his large scroll.

                “What about your grandmother?  I could get her a wheelchair or something…” she offered in a voice that was a bit more quiet.

                The comment snapped Sorena out of her reverie.

                “I could at least pass for his mother!” she said indignantly.

                “We’re fine, thank you,” Sem repeated, shooing the employee away.

                “Just hurry up and buy your lights,” Sorena uttered, settling back into her previous, statuesque posture.

                Of course, Sem’s phone began to ring.  He pulled it from his pocket and answered it before handing it to Sorena.

                The woman stared at the phone for a moment, seeing the caller ID, shot a glare at Sem, and then snatched the phone from his hand.

                “What do you want?” Sorena growled.

                “Well, I was hoping to talk to Sem.  If I had wanted you I would have called you.”  The voice on the other end of a line belonged to a young woman named Lysis.

                “What does she want?” Sem asked as he scanned through a row of white lights.

                “That’s what I just asked her!” Sorena replied. 

                “Well, seems you’re both a bit cranky today,” Lysis said.  “Ask Sem if he’s interested in helping me decorate my place.”

                “Oh, he’s quite busy trying to decorate our own house,” Sorena replied simply, putting a hand to her hip.

                “Please don’t use words like ‘ours’ – it makes you sound like a couple.”

                Sorena pressed the large red ‘End Call’ button on the touch screen and huffed.

                The phone rang again.

                “What?” Sorena answered with a flat expression.

                “Why is he decorating the house anyway?  Can’t you just use magic?  You know, bippity boppity boo?”

                “I’ll bippity boppity your boo,” Sorena muttered.  “No, he insists on doing it himself every year.  He wants to win this house decorating contest the neighborhood does annually.”

                “… Is that so?  Interesting…” Lysis mused.

                “These lights are a bit too small, but I like their more crystalline appearance versus the simple frosted bulbs of these lights, except the frosted bulbs are the size that I want,” Sem explained as he held two different packages of lights.

                “… It’s like a sickness,” Lysis commented.  “I thought only the hag had little mental issues like that.”

                “I’m going to hang up again,” Sorena said.

                “Fine.  I’ll just get Francis to help me.  He’s surely forgiven me by now…” The young woman’s voice trailed, recalling Thanksgiving incident just a few weeks prior.  “Ta-ta for now, loves,” she chimed before ending the call herself.

                “’Ta-ta for now, loves,’” Sorena mimicked in a ridiculing manner as she handed Sem’s phone back.  “Who does she think she is?”

                “She thinks a lot of things about herself,” Sem said as he glanced at a third kind of white lights.  “… or do I want icicle lights?”

                Only a couple hours had passed by the time the two walked out of the store, Sem feeling good about his choices this year.  However, things will not go as planned.

                      To be continued…

©2011 James Curry a.k.a Sem

Where then shall I go?

This wasn't planned but I had a sudden burst of inspiration so here it is.

Where then shall I go that takes me away from the pain of the world?

Perhaps I shall do as the Ancients did long ago and flee from the cares of the world into the darkness of the north.
Perhaps I shall settle down as they did in the desolate tundra, where the bitter winds shall tear my soul away from me.  Where shivering gales shall steal the breath from my lungs.
Where my bones shall turn to ice and my flesh to snow.
Where my eyes shall be fixed and clear like glass.
Where my ears shall be covered and deaf.
Where touch is numbed and smell is overwhelmed by the frost.
Where my mouth can utter no more as the warmth in me fades.
Where even the glorious dawn and its withering light will too be frozen by the time it reaches me.
And the rare soul who finds me - what shall they say? 
"Oh, he is but a carving in the ice.  He is not real.  He does not feel as I do.  He is only the hollow visage of a human.  Nothing more."
And then they shall go on their way.
That is fine, I shall say to myself.  I do not recall ever asking to feel. 
It was a choice someone else made for me.
I never asked to be human.
And so frozen I shall stay, isolated and free from binding thoughts. 

There is no other way, I realize. 
I believe I shall flee into the embrace of the eternal winter.
There is no alternative.

"Silly thing."

Pardon?
I wait.
Oh, it was nothing. 
Only a whisper on the wind.

©2011 James Curry a.k.a Sem

Character Analysis: Sem

I believe this will be my last character analysis for a while, as after this is done I'll have pretty much covered my more prominent characters.  This one is named Sem.

Origins
Sem is my oldest character, with his most earliest incarnation having been created back in 2005.  Unlike my other characters he is as much of a persona as he his a character, and he has gone through the most changes, since he is essentially a self-insert.  So, in other words, he changes along with me.  He probably wouldn't exist the way he does today if it weren't for a game called "Second Life", which I began playing rather heavily back in 2005 until late 2006.  Second Life is essentially a virtual life in a virtual world, in which you control your fully customizable avatar in a world in which you can do virtually anything.  I was pretty heavily addicted to it during that time, and spent much of my time building things, from buildings to vehicles, to avatars.  My username in the game was Semaj, which is James backwards. (Yes, I liked to think I was being clever back then.)  The friends I met in-game soon began to simply refer to me as Sem and the name has stuck ever since in my online life, and eventually Sem turned into not just a persona but an actual character separate from myself yet also tied to me directly.

During that time I took great interest in my avatar and up until then it changed with the day of the week, but I was looking to have a more permanent look, and so I set about creating it and eventually ended up with this:

I cringe looking at it now, simply because I wasn't the greatest at making avatars.  I was so much better at making buildings and objects, I loved it.  However, I must've not been too bad at the avatars because I was able to turn my hobby into a business.  See, the in-game currency was actual currency that you could exchange for USD or other currencies.  It was through my little business in Second Life that I was able to afford to buy the Wii on launch day =D  Anyway, I'm getting off-topic.

That in those pictures, comprised almost entirely of stretched out and sliced-up spheres, is Sem's first incarnation.  The thing on the floor is a posing stand, which is why he's floating - it's what I used to create and adjust my avatars.  His hat is also sort of purposely floating because I liked how that looked.  In my mind it was somewhat of a mix between an otter and a fish.  The right eye is also a lighter, more clouded color to represent my own actual blind eye.

Anyway, my time in Second Life came and went, though I still miss it sometimes and wonder if I could have taken my little business a bit further and actually made some good money from it.  There are people who do that and are actually able to support themselves, selling virtual clothing or virtual plots of land.  Pretty ridiculous if you think about it.

Sem changed in outward appearance very little throughout the next few years, though his fins changed to a blue color and he actually became more anatomically similar to an otter and not a freakish humanoid/furry.  For any of my readers who have no idea what a furry is the very last thing you should do is Google image it.

Isn't he adorable?  Yes, that was his face for a quite a while.  Also note that none of these were images were created by me - they were made by some very talented friends of mine and I have many more where they came from.  The animal itself that Sem was is a species I decided to unimpressively name the "aquamor" - taken from aqua and amor - water lover essentially.  I had always had it in mind that it was only a temporary name and that I would eventually give the species a better name.  I never did.

To be fair there have been a great many Sems, and I did have more human-looking ones for several different purposes that have existed for almost as long.  However, all of my Sems were essentially the identical in every way except for some minor differences, mostly aesthetic.  More than a year ago I "retired" the aquamor-form of Sem and I changed him entirely to look human, as well as actually starting to give him some concrete history, which up until that point had been rather wishy-washy.  I phased out the other Sems as well and basically reinvented him into what he is currently.

Sem comes entirely from my own dreaming and it has been almost entirely my own creative force that has molded him, more so than my other characters who had outside influences play roles in their creation.  He started out as and has always been a fantasized version of myself.

Personality
Since Sem is essentially a self-insert, his personality is rather similar to mine.  You think that that would make writing him easy but it actually makes it more difficult.  I've gotten better over the years, since I've been getting to know myself better in that time.  The only difference is that I try to imagine what I would be like, or rather, would like to be like personality-wise if I were alive for as long as he has.  He is obviously a lot more mature than I am and very much wiser than I am.

I suppose he would also be a slight parody of myself, in which I may over-exaggerate my own "dark" personality.


Appearance
Currently Sem looks human, though he technically isn't.  I would describe his overall appearance similar to mine, yet having the changes that I would make to myself if it were in my power to do so.  I like to think that if I were to suddenly look like him people would still be able to recognize me.  His skin is bronzed like mine, but a bit more olive-toned.  His eyes are cerulean-blue, and both work ;P  Hair color is about the same, though Sem has a streak of snow-white in his fringe.

Sem is also a bit shorter than I am.  I dunno why, but I always wish I had stopped growing years ago.  I wouldn't mind being 5'7" or something, which is about how tall Sem is.  His frame is also different.  I've lost a lot of weight in recent years, especially in the last year, but I know that I have a larger frame in general.  It's something about me I'm getting over slowly but surely, but I still decided to give him a different frame.  He's not super thin and lanky because I just wouldn't like that for him or myself.  He's in a good medium between the small and large frames and actually fit, unlike myself.

The face is the same, since I actually like my face, though his nose might be a bit smaller.  He's also looks about my age as well.  He dresses the same as me, though he actually has the money for all the nice things I wish I could have, so he looks nicer than I do.

History
Like Sorena, a huge part of Sem's history is underdeveloped since he was born in the 13th century, the year 1213 to be exact.  I haven't settled on a birthday for him.  His birthday will probably be January 11th like mine, or I may change him so that he's a Pisces, just for the symbology of it.

Sem wasn't born in the way humans are since he's not human.  He's part of a group that I've come to refer to as "True Elementals".  There are only seven of them in existence at any given time, one each to represent a traditional element as well as some non-traditional ones.  Fire, though plasma is more accurate, Water, Earth, Air, Plantlife, Light, and Darkness.  They are immortal by nature but can die - in the event of ones death a new one is immediately created to replace him/her.  True elementals are the embodiments of nature's raw power, and Sem represents the oceans, or water specifically.  True elementals are born in a variety of physical stages of development as far as humans are concerned.  If a true elemental is born in the image of a child then they may grow to apparent maturity, though not always.  Some of them are also born looking as if they are way past their twenties.  Sem himself has the body of someone in their early twenties, though he's often mistaken for someone younger.

Sorena was present during Sem's creation, and she took it upon himself to care for him until he was able to take care of himself.  He was created with a normal functioning mind, but obviously knew nothing of the world, or even how to speak.  Sorena was present during the death of Sem's predecessor, who she had come to know very well and care very much for, and so she promised that she would care for the next in line in place of the one who died.

Sem stayed with Sorena as the two had grown very closer, even closer than Sorena had grown to his predecessor.  They rode out the trials and waves of history together.  During that time Sem has "died" four times, though each time he came back stronger than before.  He has also had a large struggle to deal with for many years.

As he grew more and more in touch with his element Sem began to lose his organic qualities.  And as he became less and less flesh and blood he also began to care less and less about the world around him to the point where he was a apathetic and unbiased as the ocean itself.  Sorena was able to help him through it, and from then on Sem wears a pendant around his neck that looks like a raindrop.  It is a magical pendant that allows him to have his human appearance and the five senses, but he is now comprised entirely of water, having lost any of his organic structure.  So, he's really not joking when he says he's heartless, which he enjoys with his twisted sense of humor.

Because of this though he is fairly indestructible, as he can manipulate water in any of its stages, so freezing or evaporating him would do nothing.

Despite the pendant allowing him to feel more human, it actually does nothing to help him combat the apathy he can sometimes slide back into.  It is an ongoing struggle for him, but he has become more and more able to deal with it as the years go by, and Sorena does a great deal to remind him why he cared so much in the first place.  He also helps her as much as she helps him with her own personal struggles.

Personal Impact
"Personal impact" is the wrong title for this section but whatever.  Sem, unlike other characters, isn't very influential to me personally.  He is rather the personifications of my dreams, fantasies, and visions for my future.  I want to reach the end of my life satisfied with who I am, and even though Sem is immortal, he has achieved a state of mind where he is happy with his life and he is an effective carer for those around him.

I suppose that's all I can say right now.  Thanks for reading =)

The character Sem is ©2005 James Curry a.k.a Sem

Happy Thanksgiving

Here is the Thanksgiving special as promised! :0  Please, enjoy.

                “Francis,” Sem said as he leaned against the breakfast bar of a very nice-looking kitchen.  Sem was dressed in a black suit with a teal dress shirt underneath, nicely contrasting against his bronzed skin.  The young-looking man’s mouth was drawn in a bit of a frown as he watched a certain skeletal chef race around the kitchen.  “Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

                The skeleton shook his head, not even looking in Sem’s direction as he bent down to get some dishes from out of a cupboard.  The skeleton was clad in only an apron and his bony feet clacked against the polished oak floors.  Of course he declined to receive help.  He always did.  Thanksgiving was Captain Francis Bellefluer’s holiday.  Well, aside from Halloween.  But Thanksgiving was a close second on the captain’s list of favorite holidays.  He always insisted on hosting Thanksgiving at his New York city flat.  There was one year where Sem tried hosting it and it ended with Francis in a catatonic state caused by severe depression.

                Sem knew better than to ask. He had learned many, many, many years ago that Francis would decline any help.  One year all Sem did was bring a dish of candied yams and, well, it left Francis in a catatonic state caused by severe depression.  Sighing, Sem absentmindedly fiddled with the snow-white streak in the fringe of his otherwise dark hair.  He watched as Francis pulled a very perfect-looking turkey out of the oven, setting it next to the rest of the food.  It was a small turkey, and there wasn’t nearly as much food as one would expect to see at Thanksgiving.  Only four people were coming together at this dinner, and one of them couldn’t even eat.

                Francis finally gave Sem and nodded once, a sign that dinner was ready to be served.  Sem wandered off to find wherever Sorena had wandered off to in the medium-sized flat.  He could sense her upstairs and so that’s where he went.  The ancient woman was in the small library Francis had.  It was filled with all sorts of books, some new, but most were very, very, old.  In fact, Sorena was holding one very old book that Sem was half-sure was said to be lost to history.

                “Who could understand any of this rubbish?” Sorena asked, snapping the priceless tome shut and casually tossing it to the side.  “Whoever wrote that was mad.”

                Sem said nothing, only smiling softly at Sorena as she turned around.  She had really stepped out this year.  Sem had been able to convince her to do away with her typical witch outfit of horrors for just that night in favor of a blue, stretch-velvet dress.  Her silvery hair was still a bit wild, but Sorena was looking better than she had in years. 

                “Dinner’s ready,” he told her.

                “I’ll be right down,” Sorena muttered as she trailed her finger along a shelf of books, mouthing their titles.

                “You know he doesn’t like to be kept waiting,” Sem said lightly as he walked out of the room and descended the stairs.  He glanced at his silver watch just as it turned six o’ clock.  Within seconds a clock chimed somewhere in the house.  Everything was all set at the table as well.  Francis was always ready at exactly six.

                Just as Sem was wondering where the fourth person to their little get-together was the doorbell rang.  Volunteering to get it, Sem walked to the door and opened it.  Standing outside was a young woman with raven black hair, porcelain skin, and midnight-blue eyes.  She was tall, especially in the heels she wore, and there was a certain feel to her as you caught site of her cocky grin.  The young woman was dressed in a red cocktail dress and red shoes.  A diamond necklace with matching earrings and bracelet accompanied the simple yet polished look.

                “Lysis,” Sem greeted her, opening his arms.  “Nice dress.”

                “Hey, babe,” Lysis said, accepting the embrace before stepping inside of the home.  “How’s my little emo?” she asked him.  It was then that Sem noticed the bottle that was cradled in the crook of Lysis’ right arm.

                “What is that?”

                “Pinot noir,” Lysis answered simply.  “1999.”

                “Francis already picked out all the wine for the dinner,” Sem murmured to the young woman.  He didn’t want their skeletal friend to overhear.

                “Please, one of the very last things Francis has is a sense of taste,” Lysis said airily as she looked around at the décor of the home, making it fairly obvious that she wasn’t just talking about taste buds.

                “He’s a master chef, so I would trust his opinion,” Sem pointed out.

                Lysis lowered her voice, but she seemed a bit amused.  “What is the big deal?  It’s just some wine.”

                This was the first Thanksgiving dinner Lysis had been invited to - for centuries it had mostly just been Sem, Sorena, and Francis.  Sometimes Alphard would join them but very rarely did he do so.  Since this was Lysis’ first dinner with them she really didn’t understand the implications of what she had done.

                “You don’t understand,” Sem said.  “He’ll get very offended if he sees it - if he even catches a whiff of that-“

                “He has no nose, dear,” Lysis butt-in, pointing out that Francis did indeed lack a nose.

                “He doesn’t have eyes either but he can still manage to see just fine,” Sem whispered as they got nearer to the kitchen.

                “Fine!” Lysis whispered as she quickly shoved the bottle into an antique vase, muttering to herself.  “Freakish undead monstrosi- Francis, darling!” she exclaimed as he suddenly came around the corner.  She embraced him as un-awkwardly as one could embrace a skeleton.  He had very quickly changed into a suit himself for the dinner.  “Thanks for the invite,” she winked.  “Finally you all can start having some fun.  God knows what you’ve been doing with yourselves before I came along.”

                “Oh, so you did manage to make it?” Sorena said as she entered the kitchen behind them.  “I was hoping for a canceled flight or a car bomb to stop you.”

                Lysis ignored what the old woman had said for a moment, taking in her sudden new appearance.  “You finally realized that not every day is Halloween, I see,” Lysis commented.  “I hate to say it but you do look very nice in that.”

                Sorena blinked several times, expecting the need to shoot back at Lysis with some sort of retort like she usually had to, but not this time.  This time Lysis had actually said something nice to her.  “What you’re wearing suits you as well I suppose,” Sorena managed to say.  She wasn’t quite ready to be nice just yet.  That and she actually really didn’t know what did or didn’t look good on people, so she just trusted that Lysis’ vanity dressed her in a way that was phenomenal.

                Francis quickly herded everyone to the table and sat them down.  Sem and Lysis sat across from Sorena and Francis respectively.

                “Rosé?” Lysis questioned at one of the bottles that was before her on the table, glancing a bit longingly at the vase that contained the wine she had brought.  Instead of the Rosé though, Francis began pouring a different wine into everyones’ glasses.  Lysis quickly noticed that the wine being poured was also Pinot noir.  Sorena’s had very little wine in it – an amount that was deemed a safe amount to give to a very powerful sorceress who didn’t always seemed to have her head on straight.

 Before digging in to eat Francis explained to Lysis via sign language everyone would go around and say what they were thankful for.

                “Well, I pretty much say the same thing every year,” Sem started.  “But I’m thankful for all of you.  As you get older you realize that good friends and relationships are the true treasures one accumulates in life.”

                Sorena was up next.  “I am thankful for, well… most of you,” she said as she glared at Lysis.  That was all she had to say.

                Francis, again using sign language, explained that he was also thankful for the people in his life, counting them among his many blessings.  He went on to talk about the smiling faces he saw at the shelters the earlier that day as he helped pass out Thanksgiving meals to the homeless and those in need.  He was disguised, of course, but it still warmed his heart that so many people’s days were made by single acts of kindness.  He went on and on about other things and finally after five minutes he was finished.  Everyone had pretty much said they were thankful for people in their lives, very touching things to say.

                “I am thankful for this wine,” Lysis commented, pointing to her glass.  “And so that I don’t seem entirely detached and cold-blooded - I am thankful for all of you as well, believe it or not.  You’re like the freakish family who never wanted me but whom I forced myself into anyway.”

                At that everyone said “Cheers!” and clinked their glasses together.

                As everyone began serving themselves Lysis quickly excused herself, fetching her bottle of wine since Francis was serving the same thing.  “You all might want to try this,” she said as she sat back down at the table, uncorking the bottle.  “It’s got a few more years on what Francis is serving.  It’ll taste lovely.”  She was a bit pre-occupied pouring herself some of her wine to notice Sem’s expression.  The young-looking man’s eyes shifted between Lysis and Francis.  Even Sorena had taken notice to something very wrong having just happened.

                “I’d pour you some, dear, but you’re not really capable of drinking,” Lysis said to the unmoving skeleton.  “Francis?” she said his name again, but he wasn’t responding.  His empty gaze was aimed just straight ahead, his hands resting lightly on the table.

                “You’ve done it now,” Sorena said, unable to help a smile from forming on her lips.  “You’ve officially ruined your first Thanksgiving with us.  We haven’t even started eating yet!”

                “Shut up, hag,” Lysis said casually as she prodded the undead captain.  Nothing.  No response.  “Come on, Francis.  If you want I’ll put this away and we can have some of that watered down Rosé of yours. “

                At this Francis’ head crashed forward onto his empty plate, breaking it.

                Silence.

                “Well, now what?” Lysis asked, the hint of a smile on her face still. 

                “We’ll have to carry him up to his bed, surround him in some of his favorite things, and tell him how much he means to us every couple minutes.  He’ll come back around in a little while… hopefully,” Sem explained.  He got up and scooped the catatonic pile of bones into his arms and went down the hall towards the stairs.  Lysis and Sorena followed behind him.

                “I very much hope this means that you won’t be invited next year,” Sorena said out loud.

                “Almost like how I very much hope for the day when you finally drop dead.  How old are you again?  Eight hundred and fifty?  Could be any day now,” Lysis chimed.

                Happy Thanksgiving indeed.

 ©2011 James Curry a.k.a Sem

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, even those who don't celebrate the holiday.  Since my family is out of town this week I've spent Thanksgiving by myself, so I had time to write this.  Thankfully I celebrated Thanksgiving on Monday with about fifteen or so friends of mine - who knew I'd grow to be so popular?  It was a lot of fun.  I spent half the time cleaning up but I was having fun just watching everyone else have fun - plus it was sort of my fault since I declined any help.

I was also with my old people today so that was nice.  Yes, "my" old people.  They are my possessions.  They don't mind.  I may not like my job much but it makes me feel good when they compliment me, and I feel good being able to do things for them.  Just the little things, the little things that matter just as much as the big things but don't have as much priority.  They notice it just the same, so it's good to keep that in mind - there's always someone who notices.

Anyway, like everyone in the story, I'm simply thankful for the people in my life.  I feel blessed to have them and I honestly couldn't have imagined it two years ago.  As much as I make myself out to be entirely obsessed with the material things, and I do like them to a degree, I'm just happy to have new friends along with my old friends, my family, and good times, and maybe I'm even happy to have my dog.  Just for today at least.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Poker Face

It's been almost a month since my last update, which is so fail.  Where's the Halloween special I promised?  Well,  it's sitting on my hard drive half-finished.  Maybe I'll just let it brew until next year and start on the Thanksgiving special instead.  We'll see.

Anyway, quite a lot has been happening lately, what with me being sick with some sort of flu for almost three weeks to the recent crisis we had this week, on top of my general personal issues.

I'd like to tell you that I just jump out of bed every morning as me, ready to take on the day, but I'm not like that at all.  I can't just wake up and seem as confident as I do to anyone who sees me when I'm out and about.  It takes a bit of preparation for me to sort of step into myself like one would step into a pair of shoes.  That isn't to say that what you see of me isn't real, it very much is, mostly.

Never in my life have I jumped out of bed, or even happily gotten out of bed.  Every morning starts with an "Oh, God," and a bemoaning sigh.  I have trouble getting to sleep, and some people may vehemently attest to the idea that I don't actually sleep ever.  But I do, usually it comes slowly, but once I'm there I'm the type of person that just doesn't want to get up.  Of course, I do get up.  I have to.  Whether it be for work at obscene-o'-clock in the morning or just for getting up to start one of my days off.

Get up.  That's step one.  Always a good step - you can't get much farther without doing that first.  Note that I didn't say "wake up," I said "get up." - I may still be asleep well into my day. 

Now, my stepping into myself is much less an internal process than it is an external one.  It's very hard for me to feel like "me" if I don't look the way I feel I should look - it's a little plastic of me, but hey.

The next thing I do is brood on over to the shower.  The shower is where most of my mental preparation for the day takes place.  I usually let the water run over me while I mull over the coming day.  I apparently mull over it a lot since on average my showers are 20-30 minutes long depending on how much time is available to me, which is terrible considering our current water crisis here in Texas.

Once I'm out I put in the single contact lens I have for my left eye, and usually grumble at the eye for not being identical to the prosthesis I wear over my right eye  (Don't ask me why I don't do it the other way around.)  I've been wearing contacts for about ten years now and I greatly prefer them over glasses.  I don't like looking at pictures of myself in general, but I especially don't like looking at pictures of younger me, back when I wore glasses.  I just do not like the look of glasses on myself.  Other people wear them just fine, but I'm not convinced that my face is a face that can wear them well, especially when my sight is so awful that my glasses need to be as thick as bulletproof glass.

Anyway.  Then I take care of my face, wondering exactly when I will finally be blemish-free.  Next is the oral hygiene, and then I actually go back to my room to get dressed.  I will admit that I spend more time sorting out an outfit than most guys.  The fact that I even used the word 'outfit' is a bit of a clue on how much I care about it.  If I'm working then it's simple and I just slip into my uniform, which I hate, but oh well, and I don't bother with my hair much since I wear a hairnet all day.  Usually that's that and I'm on my not-so-merry way. 

If I'm not working well then I go to town, and to be honest I probably already have an idea of what I'm going to put on ahead of time - yay 20-30 minute showers.  The weather's cold now too, so I can whore myself to all my jackets and scarves again.  I have a lot of jackets and coats, because I love them.  It's not that much of an overestimation when I say that for every two shirts I have one jacket/coat.

After I'm dressed I tend to my hair and then finally actually look at myself in the mirror.  I usually don't look at myself in the mirror until this point.  I look myself over and either give a mental nod of approval or I fix whatever little thing is bothering me.  One I've approved myself I feel about as ready as I'll ever be.  I pick up my chin and walk out the door into the world.

Now I have the look, but now I have to work to keep up the attitude, the confidence, the demeanor.  It's not so much for hiding and seeming "ok" as it is me preferring to focus on other people, talk to other people.  Of course, I can let my guard down, especially if I'm in small company, and whenever I'm in small company it tends to be with people that I'm close to anyway and know that my face is just a mask anyway.  Hence the title of this post.

Do I really do this every time I go out?  Yes.  Well, 95% of the time.  There are times where I simply do not care, which is never good, especially because you can tell just by looking at me, despite whatever facial expression I carry.  I simply will not look as put together as I usually do.

Now, the purpose of this post wasn't only to share how I feel from day to day, but also just this week.  This week was really just awful emotionally because someone very close to me ended up in hospital and we almost lost him.  Thankfully he is recovering just fine and should be going home today or tomorrow, but it was a scary ordeal.  Except I was never scared.

I've definitely had to step it up a bit and I've been examining myself as I do so.  Despite what happened I remained quite calm throughout all of it.  Part of it is definitely because I'm a pretty calm person.  My house could be on fire and I would no doubt call 911 and chat with the operator as if I were simply inviting them over for a little get-together.

I wanna say that that serenity comes from some assurance that everything is going to be all right, and part of it does come from that idea, but I also felt that the other part of it comes simply from apathy, and I'm not sure how to feel about that.  I used to be very apathetic in general about everything, and it did me so much harm, so to feel it still there disturbs me, especially in a situation like that where a person I cared for was in peril.

I remained "strong", so to speak, throughout everything partly due to simple apathy.  I'm figuring that it's just one of my defense mechanisms, to protect myself against the worst, but I don't like that that's what my brain does.  The only way I can move past it is because I know that in the end I did care, I do care - it's just that my demeanor grew colder and my whole personality adjusted itself during the crisis as a sort of defense - a defense so "strong" that it even masked the care I felt.  A perfect poker face. 

But as much as I did care there was a little bit of apathy in spite of it.  Again the only way I can even move past it is because there was the larger part of me that did care.

My sister asked me why I seemed like I didn't care at all.  Why I seemed so apathetic.  It did bother me.  I don't want to seem like I don't care, because I care quite a lot about most everyone, and, of course, especially those nearest to my heart, or nearest to my "pit" as my sister would say.  In the end she's joking and in the end I know she knows that I do care.  I laugh whenever she says it because it fits so well with the persona that has been so permanently assimilated into my personality: my whole "child of darkness" quirk that I greatly enjoy.  And in the end I personally know that I care, and know that I'm good person, and I'll go as far as to say that my wretched heart is actually two sizes too big versus too small.  Just don't tell anyone - I have a reputation to keep ;o

I suppose that the fact that it bothers me that I'd be viewed as apathetic suggests that I'm probably not.  Perhaps I really am just really calm, to the point where I can make light of the most serious situations and events and I confuse it with apathy?  I'm not sure, because I know that as much as I may care I am equally as capable of not caring at all.  I can always slide back into that mindset, even after climbing out of the hole.  I'm not going to let it bother me, but I just wanted to get it out of my system.

I suppose the title of this post refers to a true poker face I felt come out during the whole thing this week, one that didn't break or falter like my day to day mask might.  Actually, to call it a mask is a bit of a disservice to me.  I just like the word mask, but I suppose 'brave face' is more accurate, because what you see on my face day to day is real for the most part, just not the whole picture.

This post felt all over the place but I really just needed to write something.  Thanks for reading =)