Anyway, quite a lot has been happening lately, what with me being sick with some sort of flu for almost three weeks to the recent crisis we had this week, on top of my general personal issues.
I'd like to tell you that I just jump out of bed every morning as me, ready to take on the day, but I'm not like that at all. I can't just wake up and seem as confident as I do to anyone who sees me when I'm out and about. It takes a bit of preparation for me to sort of step into myself like one would step into a pair of shoes. That isn't to say that what you see of me isn't real, it very much is, mostly.
Never in my life have I jumped out of bed, or even happily gotten out of bed. Every morning starts with an "Oh, God," and a bemoaning sigh. I have trouble getting to sleep, and some people may vehemently attest to the idea that I don't actually sleep ever. But I do, usually it comes slowly, but once I'm there I'm the type of person that just doesn't want to get up. Of course, I do get up. I have to. Whether it be for work at obscene-o'-clock in the morning or just for getting up to start one of my days off.
Get up. That's step one. Always a good step - you can't get much farther without doing that first. Note that I didn't say "wake up," I said "get up." - I may still be asleep well into my day.
Now, my stepping into myself is much less an internal process than it is an external one. It's very hard for me to feel like "me" if I don't look the way I feel I should look - it's a little plastic of me, but hey.
The next thing I do is brood on over to the shower. The shower is where most of my mental preparation for the day takes place. I usually let the water run over me while I mull over the coming day. I apparently mull over it a lot since on average my showers are 20-30 minutes long depending on how much time is available to me, which is terrible considering our current water crisis here in Texas.
Once I'm out I put in the single contact lens I have for my left eye, and usually grumble at the eye for not being identical to the prosthesis I wear over my right eye (Don't ask me why I don't do it the other way around.) I've been wearing contacts for about ten years now and I greatly prefer them over glasses. I don't like looking at pictures of myself in general, but I especially don't like looking at pictures of younger me, back when I wore glasses. I just do not like the look of glasses on myself. Other people wear them just fine, but I'm not convinced that my face is a face that can wear them well, especially when my sight is so awful that my glasses need to be as thick as bulletproof glass.
Anyway. Then I take care of my face, wondering exactly when I will finally be blemish-free. Next is the oral hygiene, and then I actually go back to my room to get dressed. I will admit that I spend more time sorting out an outfit than most guys. The fact that I even used the word 'outfit' is a bit of a clue on how much I care about it. If I'm working then it's simple and I just slip into my uniform, which I hate, but oh well, and I don't bother with my hair much since I wear a hairnet all day. Usually that's that and I'm on my not-so-merry way.
If I'm not working well then I go to town, and to be honest I probably already have an idea of what I'm going to put on ahead of time - yay 20-30 minute showers. The weather's cold now too, so I can whore myself to all my jackets and scarves again. I have a lot of jackets and coats, because I love them. It's not that much of an overestimation when I say that for every two shirts I have one jacket/coat.
After I'm dressed I tend to my hair and then finally actually look at myself in the mirror. I usually don't look at myself in the mirror until this point. I look myself over and either give a mental nod of approval or I fix whatever little thing is bothering me. One I've approved myself I feel about as ready as I'll ever be. I pick up my chin and walk out the door into the world.
Now I have the look, but now I have to work to keep up the attitude, the confidence, the demeanor. It's not so much for hiding and seeming "ok" as it is me preferring to focus on other people, talk to other people. Of course, I can let my guard down, especially if I'm in small company, and whenever I'm in small company it tends to be with people that I'm close to anyway and know that my face is just a mask anyway. Hence the title of this post.
Do I really do this every time I go out? Yes. Well, 95% of the time. There are times where I simply do not care, which is never good, especially because you can tell just by looking at me, despite whatever facial expression I carry. I simply will not look as put together as I usually do.
Now, the purpose of this post wasn't only to share how I feel from day to day, but also just this week. This week was really just awful emotionally because someone very close to me ended up in hospital and we almost lost him. Thankfully he is recovering just fine and should be going home today or tomorrow, but it was a scary ordeal. Except I was never scared.
I've definitely had to step it up a bit and I've been examining myself as I do so. Despite what happened I remained quite calm throughout all of it. Part of it is definitely because I'm a pretty calm person. My house could be on fire and I would no doubt call 911 and chat with the operator as if I were simply inviting them over for a little get-together.
I wanna say that that serenity comes from some assurance that everything is going to be all right, and part of it does come from that idea, but I also felt that the other part of it comes simply from apathy, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I used to be very apathetic in general about everything, and it did me so much harm, so to feel it still there disturbs me, especially in a situation like that where a person I cared for was in peril.
I remained "strong", so to speak, throughout everything partly due to simple apathy. I'm figuring that it's just one of my defense mechanisms, to protect myself against the worst, but I don't like that that's what my brain does. The only way I can move past it is because I know that in the end I did care, I do care - it's just that my demeanor grew colder and my whole personality adjusted itself during the crisis as a sort of defense - a defense so "strong" that it even masked the care I felt. A perfect poker face.
But as much as I did care there was a little bit of apathy in spite of it. Again the only way I can even move past it is because there was the larger part of me that did care.
My sister asked me why I seemed like I didn't care at all. Why I seemed so apathetic. It did bother me. I don't want to seem like I don't care, because I care quite a lot about most everyone, and, of course, especially those nearest to my heart, or nearest to my "pit" as my sister would say. In the end she's joking and in the end I know she knows that I do care. I laugh whenever she says it because it fits so well with the persona that has been so permanently assimilated into my personality: my whole "child of darkness" quirk that I greatly enjoy. And in the end I personally know that I care, and know that I'm good person, and I'll go as far as to say that my wretched heart is actually two sizes too big versus too small. Just don't tell anyone - I have a reputation to keep ;o
I suppose that the fact that it bothers me that I'd be viewed as apathetic suggests that I'm probably not. Perhaps I really am just really calm, to the point where I can make light of the most serious situations and events and I confuse it with apathy? I'm not sure, because I know that as much as I may care I am equally as capable of not caring at all. I can always slide back into that mindset, even after climbing out of the hole. I'm not going to let it bother me, but I just wanted to get it out of my system.
I suppose the title of this post refers to a true poker face I felt come out during the whole thing this week, one that didn't break or falter like my day to day mask might. Actually, to call it a mask is a bit of a disservice to me. I just like the word mask, but I suppose 'brave face' is more accurate, because what you see on my face day to day is real for the most part, just not the whole picture.
This post felt all over the place but I really just needed to write something. Thanks for reading =)
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