And then I came across those clothes. Black, over-sized hoodies. Dark, plain shirts. Over-sized cargo pants and shorts. I kinda grimaced as I looked at them. Memories resurfaced in my mind, memories of me walking alone in hallways, memories of my blank expressions, memories of my empty looks, memories of a hollow voice. Memories of being entirely aware of the world around me and simply...not caring. Not about them. Not about me.
With that uniform I could have been the poster-child for clinical depression.
I may whine about things now, and I may still not look like my best all the time, but current me is nothing compared to past me.
I went downstairs, grabbed a garbage bag, and came back upstairs, and silently began throwing the old clothes away. I could have donated it, since we have a lot of fire victims that need stuff, but most of it was pretty old, and I simply didn't want anybody looking the way I used to. They were old rags and I treated them as such.
As I went back downstairs I realized that even though things may still not be perfect, I've come a long way. It's something to look at and realize that in a few years I'll (hopefully) be in an ever better place. I sort of smiled at the thought as I dumped the bag into our garbage bin.
Life's a journey. Where are the places you've been?
Not only did I adore reading this entry, I'm intrigued by the final sentence.
ReplyDeleteWhere are the places you've been? I've pondered it a bit, and I think I'd have to reword it "where are the places you're going" for myself. It seems my life has transitioned through many different phases (for lack of a better word), and it's always been a bit of a roller-coaster. I've experienced countless moments of great happiness and complete meltdowns, and I've often wondered how I'm still standing. I've consciously avoided alcohol and street drugs for the sole worry that I'd enjoy them too much.
But I've learned, with deep sorrow comes profound happiness. Never would I wish my emotions on anyone, but it'd be a lie to say that my experiences haven't given me insight. I never want any moment to be the last because I'm curious to know what's over the horizon. This life of discovery, as turbulent as it can be, is also fun and inspiring. I never want to stop learning and seeing new things, even it if hurts simply to exist. There's always something more to experience.
I think that's why I can seem childish to those who've left such feelings behind. Life is too short to sit by and be the onlooker; too short to let the world tell you when to move on. That's my choice. I want to enjoy myself, and if I ever have children I won't be the parent who sits idle on the sideline - unless I'm too tired to get involved. Sometimes watching isn't so bad if you can live vicariously through someone else. :)