Ok, so, I've laid in bed all night for hours unable to fall asleep. My solution? Drug myself up with Benadryl and write for a few minutes. The lengths I have to go to sometimes...
Pretty much the main reason I can't sleep at night is because I can't seem to turn my brain off. I've heard rumors that there's a magical switch that'll start the shut-down process but I still can't find where that is. If you know then please let me know, until then I'm going to continue on the road of becoming drug-dependent.
What do I think about you ask? Well, if you want me to be perfectly honest: 99.9% percent of the time it's me dreading the unforeseeable future and how I have trouble believing that I'll ever be happy.
Except that's not the problem now, at least not tonight. Lately, since the start of the new year really, I've been strangely happy. And tonight I wasn't up all night thinking about horrible things, but rather the opposite. How am I supposed to win?
I don't know why I'm happy all of the sudden. Nothing's changed. If you asked me about what my outlook on what my future is I would still laugh spitefully and say "Tragic at best." But I'm optimistic anyway - and I don't know if that's a good sign or just a sign showing that something broke inside. Maybe the part of me that is actually hopeful has learned how not to drown in the darkness I harbor, growing in strength and power and somehow allowing me to be happy despite my pessimism. Maybe I'm learning how to be optimistic about myself for a change. I'm pretty optimistic when it comes to other people, but I've never been good at being optimistic about myself.
I'm not going to complain either way, and I'll just pray that it continues, delusion or not. I just need to get used to this whole joy thing.
I guess, when I think about it, maybe my outlook did change. Or I've managed to just focus myself into the present at least. I suppose if you really asked me what my future outlook was I'd say "I don't know," which is neither good, nor bad. But let's not think about that right now, because if we do my mind will drift towards the bad. Let's look at the present.
*I'm taking classes I actually enjoy.
*There's no money woes, school-related or otherwise. I've had to cut back on my spending a bit but that needed to happen a while ago anyway.
*I'm really into the novel I'm trying to write and I'm really excited about it.
*I have friends that I love and spend time with quite frequently.
Seems pretty simple. A different job would be nice, but then again if I got that I may die from some sort of awful happiness overload. Still looking though. (Longhorn Steakhouse didn't work out. Their loss.)
It feels like this is all I'm talking about lately, both here and otherwise. I think it is just me getting used to the idea that I am happy. That sounds so sad that it's not something I'm used to but it's true.
Which is great. I just wish I could sleep.
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